March 30, 2021 / Personal
The ride of doubt
The taste of betrayal is never sweet because if it were, I won’t be here full of thoughts and ugly feelings.
They come all together. Somedays, doubt visits me often than the others. It tells me stories about the lack of traits that I should have. Maybe if I had those, the outcome would’ve been a different story. If I ran faster and wore shorter shorts and a sports bra while running, maybe he’d brag about me and tell everyone else! That’s my girl! Maybe if I cycled like a madwoman and wore a size smaller than my normal to show my curves which I don’t have, I’d land the page. Maybe if I played dumb and did not speak my mind about trivial matters and wasn’t honest enough to share my insights candidly about actions that I don’t agree upon, he would’ve appreciated me more. Doubt had a funny way of twisting my mind and it made me feel small. Doubt instilled by someone I shared a life with and so I thought.
Anger follows doubt wherever doubt goes. I somehow feel that they were born equal. When you doubt yourself and blame yourself for something that failed anger ensues. I was angry at myself for staying long enough and believing with a great abandon that maybe this time, the outcome will be different. I tried so hard and stayed too long that what wasn’t supposed to be normal became normal. That’s when I lost myself! But I didn’t even know I was already lost.
The betrayal that I felt wasn’t given by a sole person alone. I also felt betrayed by those people that I met and considered friends. I banked on them to help me show him the way. I trusted them too to maybe fill his mind with what’s right and what isn’t. I feel betrayed by the people who came and went, appeared during times of abundance, and disappeared when there was none. There were too many of them. All I know majority of these people never stayed. For those who stayed and called him boss or idol, I feel betrayed because they knew but I was left in the dark.
Doubt. Anger. Darkness. They ride together. I know what you’ll say this too shall pass. You are strong and resilient. I know all those. These are some of the things that doubt didn’t steal from me. But before the light leaks through my cracks, allow me to vent. We cope differently after all!